Dear Aunt Flo

Well, last night my nearly-2-days-late dear AF showed in all her glory. It happened just as Adam was about to leave to go to dinner with our friends. I took this one a little harder than before. I'm not sure why, but I found myself laying in bed crying and watching Steel Magnolias (my favorite movie for crying about diabetes and pregnancy). I tanked up on my muscle relaxers and pain killers, and hugged my Kleenex and heating pad and had myself a good crying fit!

It is starting to get to me. Starting to creep into my mind that there must be something wrong. I've got my OB appointment looming in the future (the Tuesday after Thanksgiving), and I've definitely got some concerns to share with her. This is my 6th TTC cycle, and I know many who have tried for much longer. I just know that I've been charting, temping, following all the gross signs of fertility, using OPKs, and we've been timing impeccably.

I have learned a great deal about myself through all of this.  I have learned that I'm a late ovulater (usually day 15 or 16) and that I have a relatively short luteal phase (12 days). I know for a fact that I do ovulate (something I had been concerned about at times before). I know that my body does a lot of things right. I have regular cycles (27-28 days long... every month). It is just the things that I don't know that are killing me. I want to know that it will happen. Be it 2 months or even 2 years from now, just knowing that we are okay and it will eventually happen would give me such reassurance. But there is no way of knowing that....

One thing I have given some consideration as a possible issue is that I ovulate on Saturday or Sunday every cycle, and that ovulation time ALWAYS falls on mine and Adam's weekend to work. On that weekend we are working long (12 hour) shifts and by the time we get home, eat dinner, and get to bed for the business to take place we are exhausted. It is C quality BD at best. I've often thought that if we could both switch our weekends on one of those "O" weekends it might help our chances of conception. But that is a task almost impossible... it is a bitch for nurses to try to trade weekends.

I often think that this simply will not happen until I am out of PICU and finally get the nurse practitioner job I've been looking for for the past year. This may be God's plan. In the mean time, without that prospect anywhere in the near future, I need to make a decision. Do I or do I not ask to pursue fertility help when I go to see my OB doc on Tuesday? Do I keep going through this misery month after month to only be heartbroken when the month ends? Or do I fight to see yet another doctor who will analyze both me and Adam, potentially adding stress to this whole already stressful thing, only to potentially find out that nothing is wrong? I don't know what to do.

I hate how sometimes God takes the scenic route with things in life that you want.... but I have to keep trusting that one day it will all make sense.