Well... Time marches on...

I'm feeling much better since my last post. Thank you to everyone who opened up to me to offer support. I had a rough couple of weeks, but with each day things got a little better. It helped to take the month of September off from "trying." It was almost like reclaiming who I was before all I thought about was ovulation and cycle days. I feel much more level now... like with each passing month I got more and more worked up about everything, and last month was a great release for all that stress.

So... AF has showed, and a decision must be made. I know in the heat of the moment when I was so upset all I could think was "I don't even want to try anymore" and now after remembering what it was all about anyways... I think I'm ready to "try" again. Maybe not with the ferocity as before, but more than restarting birth control. I am going to give up on the stress of trying to make it happen now, and just hope that it happens soon.

I can't promise that I won't go nuts again. I hope I don't....

Anyways, this is a bittersweet time of year for me and Adam. Today is two years since Adam's father's death. Which means that in two weeks it will be two years since my father died. It is so hard to believe that two years has past already. I suppose that is how things go though...

So until next time...

Heartbroken

Well, yesterday afternoon my very best friend in the whole world called me to tell me that she is, in fact, pregnant. This was her first month to try, and her period never showed. Pregnant. Just like that. Pregnant.

Whew... I'm not sure what I should say here.

I reacted the way I'd hoped I would react to this news. See... in my gut I knew the news was coming. Let's face it... she is perfect after all. No diabetes. No thyroid problems. Healthy. Strong. Works from home. Doesn't have to pay for her house. Super organized. Close to the man upstairs. Closer to Him than me. Okay... So, I reacted positively.

I AM THRILLED FOR HER!!

I really am. If I take myself out of the equation. You know, the way a perfectly unselfish, strong woman would. I am completely thrilled for her and her husband. They aren't going through this anymore. She doesn't have to experience a period off of birth control. She doesn't have to try and try and wonder if there is something wrong. She doesn't have to feel sick all month long for various reasons. She knows. She doesn't have to question. They are so lucky.

So... I guess that is all I can say here. I'm so happy for them. They are so lucky. I'm grieving good news. I didn't sleep all night. I've felt like throwing up since I talked to her yesterday. I've cried like someone on suicide watch. So DAMN emotional.

The worst is that I feel like this places a pressure on me. I know that she will feel guilty a little. We're just good friends like that. She'll have a little pity for me. And I HATE that. I hate that at every milestone, every shower, ever phone call, the question will loom in the air "Do I have news for her?" I can't imagine keeping on... I can't imagine it. So, I'm making a decision. I need some time.

She needs some time for this to be her experience.

I need some time to feel like it is my decision again.

So, we aren't trying this month. When my period starts at the end of this month I'm going to restart my birth control. For a month, or two months, or a year. I just can't do this right now. It's hers. It no longer feels like it can be ours. I don't know if this makes me a selfish person? A bad friend? A bad person all together?

I feel like a bad person. This is the worst that happiness has ever hurt.
Pure Heart break.

Forever ago....

A long, long time ago.... I had a blog. And I enjoyed that blog, until one day I found out that I had nothing to write about. And the days went by and one after another they passed, still with noting to write about, until one day when I had news.... I'm pregnant!!

Ha, ha. Just kidding! No news here. I just wanted everyone out there to have the same feelings I get every month as I wait and wait and then find out... no, not this month. It's not that getting pregnant is all I have to live for. I love my husband. I love our house. I even like my job most days. It's just that once we got the go ahead and all the pieces were in place it seemed like everything would happen quickly. I guess two very intelligent medical professionals might know what they are talking about after all when they say it could take me a while to get pregnant.

And so the months go by, and by, and by, and now it is September! Can you believe it? Fall is coming, football is here, and it is definitely my favorite time of the year! I try to stay on the bright side and think at least I have one more football game with beer! :o) haha But seriously, it is such an emotional roller coaster this TTC. I am just thankful to have good friends who are supportive and the internet to turn to for questions.

I am a little nervous though, because our really close friends are getting married in June (you know, 9 months from now) and I've had some wavering thoughts on continuing to try this month. On the one hand if we try and nothing, then no one would have to know. On the other, if this just happens to be the month, and we don't try... well... you know, that would suck. If we try and get pregnant at least there would be a good warning on the "Hey, I can't be in your wedding." But I'm afraid that would hurt our friends feelings. I know... I'm worrying too much. I guess that is just the future mother in me. I'm a worrier!

Then to add even more awful to the mix, we are now entering the time of year when people who get pregnant are really really pregnant in the summer.... in ALABAMA! Now, I know most of you who read my blog are not from Alabama, so you will need to picture being big ole preggers with all the swelling, weight, and pain on the surface of the sun, and you will understand this dilemma. Now, not that it will stop us from trying, but damn that just sounds awful!

LOL! Oh well.... put on a happy face! :o)