Whew... I'm not sure what I should say here.
I reacted the way I'd hoped I would react to this news. See... in my gut I knew the news was coming. Let's face it... she is perfect after all. No diabetes. No thyroid problems. Healthy. Strong. Works from home. Doesn't have to pay for her house. Super organized. Close to the man upstairs. Closer to Him than me. Okay... So, I reacted positively.
I AM THRILLED FOR HER!!
I really am. If I take myself out of the equation. You know, the way a perfectly unselfish, strong woman would. I am completely thrilled for her and her husband. They aren't going through this anymore. She doesn't have to experience a period off of birth control. She doesn't have to try and try and wonder if there is something wrong. She doesn't have to feel sick all month long for various reasons. She knows. She doesn't have to question. They are so lucky.
So... I guess that is all I can say here. I'm so happy for them. They are so lucky. I'm grieving good news. I didn't sleep all night. I've felt like throwing up since I talked to her yesterday. I've cried like someone on suicide watch. So DAMN emotional.
The worst is that I feel like this places a pressure on me. I know that she will feel guilty a little. We're just good friends like that. She'll have a little pity for me. And I HATE that. I hate that at every milestone, every shower, ever phone call, the question will loom in the air "Do I have news for her?" I can't imagine keeping on... I can't imagine it. So, I'm making a decision. I need some time.
She needs some time for this to be her experience.
I need some time to feel like it is my decision again.
So, we aren't trying this month. When my period starts at the end of this month I'm going to restart my birth control. For a month, or two months, or a year. I just can't do this right now. It's hers. It no longer feels like it can be ours. I don't know if this makes me a selfish person? A bad friend? A bad person all together?
I feel like a bad person. This is the worst that happiness has ever hurt.
Pure Heart break.
My heart aches for you. You are not a bad person at all, you're just going through emotions that most people would feel in your situation. Try to keep your head up and know you're in my thoughts. You and your husband sound like great people and good things are bound to come your way.
ReplyDeleteJust saw your post and feel for you! The ttc process is a very emotional one. The waiting is killer. I'm almost three months pregnant now, and I didn't know whether I could take the waiting each month and for how many months were we going to do that. I didn't have to deal with a best friend getting pregnant and I can only imagine how that would just magnify my emotions. Good luck to you and do what makes you happy!!
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