There have been other times where I see wonder woman in my friends.
The journey of trying to conceive has been no exception to this.
While there have been ups and downs, break-ups, failures, illness, and even death among my friends and I over the years, I would venture to say that this endeavor has been and will always be one of the hardest we have faced together. Each at the same place in life, but experiencing our own difficulties along the way.
I will say where this is coming from without continuing my banter. My dear friend, who just 9 weeks ago broke my heart with her fantastic news, is now experiencing a heart break of her own. Yesterday at her first appointment she went into the ultrasound room to see an empty uterus. There was no baby.
She sent me a text that simply said, "At the doctors apt. There is no baby." My heart broke for a second time at the hands of her news. Follow-up on this information revealed that she had a blighted ovum. A very common experience for many women with first-trimester miscarriages. Basically there was a problem very early on in the pregnancy, and while the placenta continued to develop, the baby did not. The real bitch of it all is that because of the placenta development, she continues to feel pregnant, with the sickness, fatigue, and soreness of it all.
She basically has three options: 1. Have a D&C, go under general anesthesia and have her uterus lining, placenta and all scraped out, 2. Take Prostin E2- a vaginal suppository that will induce her uterus to expel the contents within (very painful), or 3. Wait until her body decides to naturally expel the placenta (also painful). She called me today and told me that she has decided to go with the third option, as that will give her the best peace of mind with the whole situation. So she is just waiting for what feels like a baby, even though she now knows it isn't, to miscarry.
Talk about strength- She said to me on the phone today, "So, I'll pray that you conceive this month, and you pray that I miscarry." UGH!! Being a woman sucks on so many new levels now! If after two weeks she still hasn't miscarried naturally, she will go back to the Dr on October 25th, have another ultrasound to see the empty uterus, and be left with the first two options, of which she has decided to go with option number two. If that is the case she will be going through with her m/c on October 27th. So she says over the phone, "So I'll have to miscarry around the same time you're taking a pregnancy test this month." Again, to this I say... UGH!
Why does this all have to be so hard? Why is that one minute I am crying because she has something I so desperately want? And why is it that I can reconnect with another friend through this struggle, only to find out that she too is fighting her own battle? And why does fate have to throw such a nasty curve ball her way? And why is it that now, seeing her grief that I wish to not be pregnant this month?
I know that in all of this we have no hand in what we are dealt. We have no way to control what God will provide and what He will take away.
But I just want to take this time to say... Damn we are strong. Women will endure and go on. Women will take one hit after another and continue to love. Women can feel hurt and love in equal parts and continue. Women can rejoice and grieve simultaneously.
And for this I say I love you all for what you go through, and I hate what you have to go through.
Prayers for all the women I have known and will know.... May your lives be less complicated, and may God provide you with the strength to endure.
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