I'm still here.

I know I've been really horrible at updating my blog. I guess between changing jobs, being sick, being exhausted, and treating 129483729249 lows each day I've had a hard time finding the time to blog.

Everything has been going well with the pregnancy so far. I will be 14 weeks tomorrow, and I am thankful for it! The first trimester was really hard on me. I was sick all.the.time!! It was so bizarre how it just went away right around 12 weeks. I did get sick yesterday though, but I think it was a lot of nerves and getting too hot. So far I've had 3 ultrasounds, including the first trimester screening, which came back with a <2% chance of down syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. At this point I've been feeling okay... still exhausted, still having tons of lows, and now having random aches and pains, but all in all much better than the first few weeks.

In other news I have now finished two weeks in my new job. So far everything is going well. I'm definately enjoying getting to be a nurse practitioner and see patients, especially endocrine patients. It is nice to not be in the ICU anymore, and I certainly don't miss working 12 hour shifts. I've had a hard time getting used to working Monday- Friday though, but I'm sure that will get easier. Everyone has been really flexible with all my doctors visits and everything. The NP who is training me for her position will leave after this week, so I guess that after that I will see how prepared I am....

We'll see...

Diabetes is kicking my A**!!

Well... it's official.... Diabetes is kicking my ass!

I suppose I can go ahead and safely say here that I am 9 weeks pregnant. Most people in our lives are starting to find out now. We've tried our best to keep it secret since we found out on the 21st of January. After my best friend's miscarriage a few months ago, I was full of anxiety and fears about this baby not surviving the first few weeks.

Some of my early symptoms were HATING the smell of popcorn, and higher than normal blood sugars. I had actually adjusted my pump rates a few days before I had a positive pregnancy test. I honestly didn't think I was pregnant. I had had a longer than typical cycle the month before, and really had NO clue when I was ovulating... maybe TMI, but we really hadn't TRIED during the holidays, so I was pretty shocked when I got the positive test. I had to work in PICU that day, so I didn't have much time to dwell on it. I took a Clearblue digital test and within a few seconds it simply said "Pregnant"... I probably spent longer searching for the word "Not." I couldn't believe it wasn't there. I imediately told Adam, who was still sleeping at the time, so no special announcement like I had played in my head so many times over and over again.

The next few weeks were just waiting and hoping everything was going to be okay, and worrying. I know that worrying doesn't help anything, but it doesn't change the fact that I am a worrier and I always have been. We told both of our mothers, and I made appointments with my doctors. Enter the ass kicking.

My endo had me immediately come in for a lab draw for my thyroid hormones, which were a little off, so I had to adjust my Synthroid. Then on Feb 14th I met with him again for my A1c and check up. A1c = 6.1%. Not the 5.8% I had pre-pregnancy, but not terrible. On Feb 15th I met with my new OB, Dr. Kimberlin, at UAB High-Risk Obstetrics Clinic. I liked her for the most part. She was pretty straight forward, and opinionated too... She wants to control all my diabetes management.

They gave me some new goals to aim for: fasting BG <105 mg/dl and 2-hr post-meal BG <120. These are some tough goals, my friends. Not to mention that since this time I have been plagued by what I can only describe as the Murphy's Law of diabetes. I have in the past two weeks had:
1. Bad insulin in my pump (BG >350 for about 6 hours)
2. My pump didn't get connected back correctly after a shower (BG >250 for 2 hours)
3. My pump tubing had air bubbles in it, so I wasn't getting insulin, just air (BG>200 for 2 hours)

It has sucked!

Luckily I've been started on CGMS, so I can see what my blood sugars are doing almost constantly. It has helped so much! But, it has also caused some anxiety. My doctor described it to me as seeing the "warts" of my diabetes control. With finger sticks I used to only see my fasting numbers, before meals, and long after meals when the insulin had worked its magic already, but now I see every little spike. I KNOW what that food is doing to me... I know too much sometimes.

I've also had my fair share of lows! As the pregnancy has progressed I've seen lows like I've never seen before. Some days I'm consuming 800-1000 calories just in juice to keep up my blood sugars. My pump is constantly alarming at me that I am low. I don't sleep for more than a few hours without it going off to tell me I'm too low! The other day I took a nap and woke up with my heart POUNDING.... BG 17!! Yes, that is 1 7... LOW!! UGh... it has been a mess!

Last night was when I had air in my tubing and I was doing everything I could think of to get my numbers to come down. I was so frustrated! I just started crying and crying. It sucks having diabetes and being pregnant! And, while, yes, I am over the moon excited, it just isn't the thing on my mind right now... its numbers. Blood sugar. Insulin. A1c. Thyroid numbers.

I know I have trained for the marathon, but now that I'm running it, it is kicking my butt. Hopefully the endorphins will kick in soon and give me a boost. I'm in need!

Also at the appt on the 15th we got to see the baby and it's heart was beating so fast. Everything looked great, and the baby was 1.14cm... tiny! So, as my doctor said to me... I will try to remember that some of this is supposed to be exciting! And I will try to not obsess about those numbers that are driving me crazy!

(PS- I should probably add that I haven't told all of my family about this news yet. We plan on sharing the news with them this week. So, if you know my in real life or on facebook. I would appreciate you not sharing the information there at this point. Thanks!)

Christmas

We spent Christmas with Adam's family. We had a great time! It even snowed in Alabama on Christmas! It was the first white Christmas since 1989!

And now... for some pictures...

Merry Christmas All!

CONCEIVE!

I went to my OB/GYN annual appointment yesterday. The appointment went well despite it beginning by a miserable 15 minutes in the waiting room SURROUNDED by pregnant women of all ages, shapes, sizes,  etc. The girl sitting beside me was 37 weeks pregnant with twins, and she looked miserable!

There was this random older lady that started quizzing the super-preg beside me. She ended her conversation by looking at the pregnant lady and saying, "I'm here for a mammogram, it's obvious why you're here," then she looks at me and finishes by saying, "what are you here for? Are you expecting too?" I just looked at her and calmly said, "Pap smear." She shut up.

My blood pressure was good 110/68, my weight was good 189 (with boots, jeans, tshirt, and a sweater on). My doctor was VERY pleased with my 5.8% A1c (even though my Endo hates it being that low). So, then we got down to business and talked about the TTC mess.

Basically the moral of it is, "If at first you don't conceive, try and try again... for a year." Now, I wasn't at all surprised by this, in fact most sites, books, magazines, forums, etc. say that you should try to conceive for 1 year before seeking fertility assistance. I was just a little unsure. It is just hard to try and try again for something and expect something to all-of-the-sudden be different. I believe that that might actually be Albert Einsteins definition of insanity in fact. Anyways...

She said if after a year of trying we still are coming up short, she will look into things further. Sperm analysis for the dear husband, and a laproscopy for me... surgery isn't on my current things I want to do list, so I'm good with waiting for a while longer.

As I was leaving the appointment she handed me some magazines to take with me. One of them was titled "Conceive." It cracks me up so much... like it's a declarative statement. OK, I say... I'm working on it!

I think it went well, all in all, and I guess I left there no better, no worse than when I went in. At least the Pap is over for this year! Anyways, I believe that God works in his own time, so I'm gonna just try to trust Him to take us down the path that He has laid out for us.


                                                                                ***

(On a side and totally unrelated note... I went to Surin West today for lunch, anyone want to guess who my server was... Christina? Rachel? I think you ladies might have an idea... Gabriel. It was way weird, and he was so CREEPY. As he handed me the check he said, "Holy SHIT! You're married!" Um... yeah. )

Dear Aunt Flo

Well, last night my nearly-2-days-late dear AF showed in all her glory. It happened just as Adam was about to leave to go to dinner with our friends. I took this one a little harder than before. I'm not sure why, but I found myself laying in bed crying and watching Steel Magnolias (my favorite movie for crying about diabetes and pregnancy). I tanked up on my muscle relaxers and pain killers, and hugged my Kleenex and heating pad and had myself a good crying fit!

It is starting to get to me. Starting to creep into my mind that there must be something wrong. I've got my OB appointment looming in the future (the Tuesday after Thanksgiving), and I've definitely got some concerns to share with her. This is my 6th TTC cycle, and I know many who have tried for much longer. I just know that I've been charting, temping, following all the gross signs of fertility, using OPKs, and we've been timing impeccably.

I have learned a great deal about myself through all of this.  I have learned that I'm a late ovulater (usually day 15 or 16) and that I have a relatively short luteal phase (12 days). I know for a fact that I do ovulate (something I had been concerned about at times before). I know that my body does a lot of things right. I have regular cycles (27-28 days long... every month). It is just the things that I don't know that are killing me. I want to know that it will happen. Be it 2 months or even 2 years from now, just knowing that we are okay and it will eventually happen would give me such reassurance. But there is no way of knowing that....

One thing I have given some consideration as a possible issue is that I ovulate on Saturday or Sunday every cycle, and that ovulation time ALWAYS falls on mine and Adam's weekend to work. On that weekend we are working long (12 hour) shifts and by the time we get home, eat dinner, and get to bed for the business to take place we are exhausted. It is C quality BD at best. I've often thought that if we could both switch our weekends on one of those "O" weekends it might help our chances of conception. But that is a task almost impossible... it is a bitch for nurses to try to trade weekends.

I often think that this simply will not happen until I am out of PICU and finally get the nurse practitioner job I've been looking for for the past year. This may be God's plan. In the mean time, without that prospect anywhere in the near future, I need to make a decision. Do I or do I not ask to pursue fertility help when I go to see my OB doc on Tuesday? Do I keep going through this misery month after month to only be heartbroken when the month ends? Or do I fight to see yet another doctor who will analyze both me and Adam, potentially adding stress to this whole already stressful thing, only to potentially find out that nothing is wrong? I don't know what to do.

I hate how sometimes God takes the scenic route with things in life that you want.... but I have to keep trusting that one day it will all make sense.

4th time is a charm???

UGH!!! I have spent the past two days and nights sick... again! This would be my 4th stomach virus of the year (not that I'm counting or anything). And, oh boy, does it get worse!! This past week goes as follows...

Friday (11/12) 3:30AM- I wake up in excruciating pain

Saturday (11/13) - Diagnosed with muscle strain in my neck. Prescribed Flexeril, Darvocet, and Lodine

Sunday (11/14) - Still some pain, but getting better

Monday (11/15) - Work, day goes alright, just a small amount of pain, take Motrin. I realize that I have an ulcer on my lip the size of a pencil eraser. Start applying vaseline to my lip round the clock to keep it from cracking open.

Tuesday (11/16) - At work in PICU, 11:10am realize I have a UTI when I go to pee and it feels like razor blades. Work til 7:00Pm so I just stopped by Publix and bought some Cranberry Juice on the way home. Pushing fluids. Still taking flexeril at night for neck pain.

Wednesday (11/17) - Work. We had one call in, so just me and Jill to cover phones, pump trainings, and clinic. (Impossible). MY UTI IS KILLING ME!! I realize at 2:45pm when Jill tells me that she is leaving early to go to a hair appointment that there is no chance in hell that I'm gonna get to leave early to go to the doctor. I write myself a prescription for Bactrim and have one of the doctors sign it.

As a side note here- I take a CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL prescription, where it is CLEARLY obvious that I have written the prescription and had someone else sign it, to CVS. They actually filled it! SCORE!!

Thursday (11/18) - Work. Not a bad day. Get home to see a surprise 36 mg/dl staring back at me from my meter. Treat the low. Start feeling horrible.

10:00PM- Vomiting starts and continues every 15-30 minutes throughout the rest of the night. Enter diarrhea. I am laying on the bathroom floor begging God to take it all away and help me to feel better.

Friday (11/19) - Vomiting stops at 5:00AM. Cramps start at 9:00 AM (Oh, yeah... my period is supposed to start today... YIPPY!!) Basically feel like my food is 2 seconds away from coming up all day... sleep A LOT!!


SO... HOW IS THAT FOR A WEEK!!!  A strained neck muscle, ulcerated lip, UTI, stomach virus, and a yet to start but impending period... Geez!!!

Hope ya'll have a better week that I have had!

World Diabetes Day

Happy World Diabetes Day everyone! I myself spent this day shopping for groceries and cooking! I tried a homemade bread recipe for the first time tonight... I made french bread and it turned out so yummy!! I also made pita chips and chicken salad for the week ahead.

Let's see... this weekend Adam and I went up to north Alabama to visit my family. Thursday I was in PICU and took care of a kid that would scream if I put him down even for a second, so I ended up holding him and carrying him around with me all day- for 12 hours! I ended my day at work by giving him a bath, during which he screamed and fought the entire time! Then at 3:30 am the following morning I awoke to the most awful pain I have ever experienced in my neck and back. We went on and traveled up to my moms that afternoon and I just took Tylenol, Motrin, Aleve and the 1 torodol I had left over from my last migraine. It was miserable!

That night we went to dinner at a German place in Huntsville and my grandmother got to leave rehab for the evening to come eat with us... she's doing a lot better, and it was great to see her! She should get to leave rehab on Tuesday of this week to come home. Anyways... it was a great dinner and then when we got back home I took one of my mom's muscle relaxers and went to bed. 11:45pm- Wake up again in excruciating pain.

So, Saturday Adam and I spent 3 hours at an Urgent Care Center. The doctor that saw me said that I have a muscle strain and prescribed me Darvocet, Flexaril, and Lodine. I've been feeling better little by little, but I'll be so glad when this pain is over!! He said that I would need an xray by the end of the week if the pain didn't go away.

So today I went to Sams and Walmart and bought a bunch of stuff! I'm so excited to use my new KitchenAid mixer  I went ahead and bought a bunch of stuff to bake with for the holidays, and as I mentioned earlier I made bread today. So I can cross that one off the list! :)

This entry has been pretty pointless. I'm now POD 7 in my cycle, so I'm starting to get to the point where I want to test. Every month it is like a battle with myself to not test until at least POD 12. I should really just not test at all because AF usually shows on POD 13 anyways, but I'm compulsive and I like to know before AF shows that she is coming for sure! Anyways... don't test, don't test, don't test.... and while you're at it don't even think about it. Worrying keeps you from getting pregnant... don't you know that by now!! (BTW... I'm really tired of people telling me to just not think about it!)

So today I was checking out at Walmart and the cashier was really "interesting." She started off conversation by telling me how much she HATES people that use re-usable bags (me) and she hates trying to bag groceries in them (as I hand her 8 of them). Then when she gets to the pregnancy test she pulls it out and starts quizzing me on whether or not I am ready for children (yes, I am) and how long we've been trying (6 months) and if we have seen a fertility specialist (REALLY?!?!?). I swear some people are just ridiculous!

Anyways... if you read all of that I'm impressed and you must be bored! :)